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EvangelistBee
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This is in continuation of the series on the challenge of late marriage, likely causes and how to avoid it. It also seeks to help those who are already in their latter years in navigating the issues arising. If you missed on the earlier part – please check at http://www.evangelistbee.com/2013/04/will-i-ever-marry-evangelistbee-will-i.html or just search for “Evangelist Bee Will I Ever Marry Part 1”. Be blessed as you read.
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| How can I marry a younger man? |
6. WRONG FOCUS
"I like him but he is younger, I cant!"
“how can I marry an older Lady?”
Are you asking me? How can you marry a younger man? Ask me twenty more times! My answer – how can you not? We make so much fuss about nothing until it’s too late. Be practical and reasonable! Stop burying your head in the sand. At Thirty Seven years of age, the chances of getting a single, never married, non-widowed, non–divorced older man to marry is getting smaller! If you find one, he is likely to have a story behind him and will you be ready to deal with it? Most men older than you will likely even marry women who are way younger! Look around you- statistics confirms so.
Even widowers tend to marry people who are just slightly younger or around the age of their daughters. Most women on the border get stuck with looking for older partners and end up advancing in years as they suffer from wrong focus. They focus on the minor issues and ignore major ones. I have so many examples. I have seen women make so much noise about his dress sense and his ability to speak queens English. Lord, have mercy! They are okay with his brilliance, godliness, character as a young man with a deep sense of loyalty and consistent career growth but dress sense? Gosh! You can’t blame him! He did not even have his first proper shirt until his final year in the University. Dress sense can be learnt. He never had relatives abroad like you to send Calvin Klein and Tommy Hilfiger shirts to him!
What will my friends say when they see his like with me? Are they the ones looking for husband? Try him! That’s when you will know that he has other assets even if he does not dress properly yet! He will later! A dear sister almost missed out on a wonderful hardworking man because of his tendency to color riot. On review, we could not fault the other assets this guy has. They are wonderfully married now with children. One day, when I visited them after her second delivery, she pulled me back to beg me to thank her husband for being a patient and faithful man to her. She also wanted me to tell women in our youth retreats that the fact that he looks classic, dated and very “spiritual” does not make him less effective in matters of the bedroom and romance. Yeah! Pardon me? You said what? She meant it. Excuse me! What does bad dress sense have to do with fulfilling your ministry behind closed doors. Unfortunately a lot of women carry that line of thought and miss out. I have seen some men make so much fuss about her “Aso” or “ Butter” looks to judge and conclude she will be a lazy wife because she looks elitist. Story! Moreover, you want a wife and not a slave! Any woman who wants her home to stand will learn any new skill if she needs to.
7. CLASS CONSCIOUSNESS
“I cannot marry a Yoruba man nor anyone from another tribe”.
“I can only marry an engineer or Medical Doctor”
You most likely will marry your Dad or your Mum! The language in marriage is not algebra or complex biochemistry – it’s the language of love, loyalty and commitment. Now that you are near forty and you still have this class and racism issues - you can try your seventy year old Dad or mum for size! Don’t marry a man or woman because of the possession they have now or where they come from but mainly for their potential. Don’t get me wrong, you can have desires but let them not become a fixation. If not for God that helps men, who are we? We all have a past. It is God that lifts up men. Life happens and things can change. Any day, anytime potential will always trump over current status. A car may be running at 120km/hr, if it runs out of fuel, even though it still looks like it’s still on good speed, it’s going to halt sooner than later. However, a car with full tank may still be going now at 30km/hr, it can pick up later and go past 180km/hr. Break the limits and enjoy your life! I agree that being in the same class socially, financially and more is an asset but you need liquidity to sustain it. The liquid currency needed to run the business of marriage is love, loyalty and purpose or else the relationship will go bankrupt soon. If this was not true, people from same culture and financial class will never divorce.
There was a lady who spent months teaching her village-trained fiance how to use fork and knife before taking him home to meet her parents. That’s the meaning of true love. Love is not blind. Love sees, assesses and responds! If that is what you call blindness, you really need to go blind in love so you can move on in life!
8. DENIAL
“I just don’t know, I don’t know, I can’t put my finger on it”
You have to know! Stop living in denial! Get help if you need one. You are not an Ostrich. Stop burying your head in the sand of friends, church activities, clubbing, money, vacations and family – they will go and the effects will wear out sooner than later. Get help! You need to know. Talk to someone who cares and knows better and who will not take advantage of you. I will always advise you talk to someone you are sure will not lie to you and who you respect what they say. Little details can make a big difference in what kind of advice you get even from seasoned and well meaning counselors. Half help is better than no help at all. Get it on time.
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| YOU NEED TO KNOW! YOU HAVE TO KNOW! |
Don’t start looking for the help when it would have been late. If you are bugged that you need “deliverance” then go for one and move on. Though I believe most of what is diagnosed as needing deliverance is like people having malaria sickness and they will never agree they are okay until they add typhoid fever drugs to their medications. Whatever it is, get help. And get help from people whose life and marriages are working. I did not say whose marriage is perfect – there is none that is perfect. It useless asking help from a Pastor who beats his wife and his next agenda is divorce.
9. WASTAGE
“He begged me for 2 years and waited for me for a while but I was busy with building my career” “
“I was way older than her and waited for her to finish school only for her to pull out after six years of waiting”
Life is in seasons. Some things will come only when they CAN come and the natural season for it will pass. You must have a sense of urgency about your life’s seasons. There will be a time when women will naturally be around you - those formative and growing years when a man attracts women. Use it well. If you choose then, be sure that it’s a serious choice. Test it and recheck it regularly until it’s consummated in marriage. Don’t let any woman or man “bodyguard” you with promissory notes and sex. I witnessed a situation last year where a guy was posted out of state and met an attractive and randy office colleague who gave him everything including sex. The guy however was not willing to take it beyond that level and kept on telling her that he has a fiancée to whom he was committed to marry from where he was posted from. She was confusing cheap sex with commitment. The guy ended up marrying the one he was engaged to. My thoughts were, “why spend 12 months of your life on a wrong man that is not and will not be available?” His “marriage-book” status was offline! If she does that three to four times between age 20 and 32, the natural windows will close and we have to start looking for air conditioners. Praying and Fasting will now start!
You cannot eat your cake and have it. Stop wasting your destiny around men that will never marry you! If you won’t marry her, stop being her bodyguard. Stop using her. If in doubt, call a meeting to define the relationship. Where is this going to? Some say - How can I ask him? Is that not too forward? Would you not be a fool to seat down there, moaning and allowing him to waste your destiny? Call the meeting tonight! Call it now. Even if your families had been introduced preparatory to the marriage! That was three years ago! He has not only developed cold feet, he has acquired a frozen head. It’s not an excuse! Can’t you see? It’s going nowhere! Three years of waste.
Stop looking for rain in the Harmattan or winter season. It’s an aberration! It was not designed that way. Every woman and man have a window of “attraction”. During that season, no matter how “holy” and badly dressed you may be, men will be attracted to you! They will. That is the best season to start giving marriage a serious thought and raise your praying levels. Prayers calm down the butterflies and provide direction. Don’t waste that season. I watched a documentary where they said we generate attraction hormones like “pheromones” in animals. Whatever the chemical story – we can’t deny there is a “prime season to turn on your marital wi-fi and “ search” for pairing and/or be “found” too.
10. DEAL WITH THE PAST AND MOVE ON!
“I slept with a minister in church and no one wanted me again”
We can make mistakes but it should not define our future. Past abortions, past unwanted pregnancy, past fornication with a friend’s fiancé after a drunken night may have happened! All that should not be a reason to spend the rest of your life in pain and guilt. Calvary and the death of Jesus can take care of these setbacks. Acknowledge your inadequacies to God and repent of the sin. Confess them so you can have rest. Restitute and make amends where required and move on!
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| MY PAST IS HUNTING ME? |
Relocate if need be! Change houses, towns, churches if needed and protect yourself from the mistake of the past!
11. MISUSE AND ABUSE OF SEX
“He used me ….”
“I never knew she was using me”
Sex is good. It was designed to keep and bond two people in a loving relationship but I believe it’s being misused and abused. You may be the best in bed and still have a hopeless marriage – that’s even if you get a chance at it. Sex can never force a man to be committed to you. Get commitment first. “If you don’t sleep me with me, it means you don’t love me” - Na lie! He is a thief! Once he gets want he wants, he will drop you at the next bus stop for the next cab driver! Wake up. Can’t you see the trend? To complicate matters, if you get pregnant and he still does not marry you – that limits the circle of choices you can get for spouses! Sex is not love and you cannot make true love without a committed heart! Wake up!
12. PARENTAL CONSENT AND INFLUENCE
“all the guys I brought my parents have rejected”
This one is a tough nut. It’s neither here nor there but it’s a factor that we need to address. A lot of parents mean well and the dispositions they have towards a potential spouse most times are sincere and genuine but it does not mean they are right! It also does not mean you are right either. They can be wrong. Sometimes they use archaic software based on their past suffering and their ideas may neither be scriptural, current nor relevant. Some are as mundane as asking and insisting that you marry not just from same tribe but same town! In 2013! If they want you to marry from same tribe and same town why did your father come to a bigger city among another tribe with your mum to give birth to you in a cosmopolitan setting in the first place? Having said this, if this issue is not properly managed, it can cause delay. I know a Lady that had to wait for the Father to die literally before she could marry. Everybody in her house agrees that the prospect was fine but the father insisted that how can a “Yoruba” marry an ”Efik” man.
I will never advocate marrying without parental consent; however, don’t pretend it is not an issue. Face it. Stop denying. If you truly convince - Pray hard! Talk to the right people your parents respect to plead and you too should behave well while that process is going on. And for crying out loud, don’t go and get pregnant while this is going on. Babies won’t keep you warm when you are lonely! I knew a lady who chose that option, she is stuck with the baby and the guy still won’t go ahead to marry her without his mum’s consent. If he does not get the approval on the long run, she will have challenges getting another person to marry her. In some culture it’s not a big deal to have a baby but where I come from, it is a lot of mountain to climb if you have the attachment of a baby as a lady. Lastly, before marriage issues come up, make sure you have built a pedigree where your parents respect you when it comes to decision making – that way they will trust your judgment on who to marry.
13. FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN AND FEAR OF TOMORROW
“How can I marry now, how will she feed?”
“Let me gather some things first and be stable, then marriage”
You cannot gather forever. This was a common feedback after the first part of this discourse was published. When my Uncles and aunties were getting married, it was very common to see people who went back school to further their education after marriage. Now, that is an aberration. People not only want to have all the degrees (as many as three) before they start looking for a partner, they even want to work, make “some money” and be “comfortable”. How can you wait till you are comfortable? Usually, the first two major windows of marriage would have closed by then. Unfortunately, social media and reality shows lay so much emphasis on material acquisition that we have come to believe that if we don’t accumulate, we cannot have a good marriage. I have seen people work as basic civil servants in public service all their lives lead and build very successful homes.
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| STOP SEATING ON THE FENCE - MOVE ON! |
The rich also cry and riches don’t guarantee love nor does not insure against divorce. The effect that money has on marriage is not a function of its volume but how the couples manage it. Three months to my wedding, I had no apartment to bring my wife into. I did not have a “serious” car and the one I had was given by the company to use as a pool car five months before my wedding. I finally found a very small and cramped apartment at the edge of town with no furniture after serious praying and fasting for days. However, I knew the date was not going to change. We had counselors who believed in us. That matters too! My fiancée then (my wife now) seats on the mattress that I had to put on the living room floor when she visits. I can’t remember her fuming because she also surrounded herself with “common sense” and “non- facebook” friends. How old was facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg then? Take care of now, let tomorrow take care of itself. If you want to wait till you have millions in the account before you consider marriage seriously – you will be on your own! Marriage has a way of stabilizing couples to be more productive and make more money ultimately and keep it! It’s been proven statistically that one of the key success factors for very wealthy people is that they are married and usually that they stayed married. God has not given you the spirit of fear. Make the move now!
If you are in the window for marriage, learn from the errors of the people gone by and make amends and do what is proper and best for your future. If you have passed your prime, don’t lose hope. If you know someone or you are the one who is past your prime and would like to share your story, please send an email to evangelistbee@gmail.com. We will pray for you and Heaven will sort you out.
Don’t forget to drop your comments and register/subscribe at www.evangelistbee.com to receive notifications of future posts.
It is well!
EVANGELIST BEE.
No. 133– 12th April, 2013
www.evangelistbee.com
Banji Adesanmi writes a blog at www.evangelistbee.com as EVANGELISTBEE and can be reached at evangelistbee@gmail.com
22 comments:
The fear that arises from family history must be dealt with. A lady would think: 'maybe this one too will be like my father, I don't want to go through what my mother went through'. A lady that has seen her mother being abused by her father will always be afraid of marriage if her system has not been formatted by the software of the scripture. 'All men are the same' is what they say.
Bro Toks
Thanks for all your comments after the first part. I tried to incoporate a lot of your thought into this concluding part.
We pray that God will help us so that the history of our past will not stain our future.
God bless you
EVB
MOG sir,as touching as this is,I believe a lot of our sis & bros should have an understanding of asking themselves some basic questions like why is this happening,have I ever imagine it happen this way,as it is,I should be able to work it out! D PRODIGAL son couldn't work it out,he had to rush back to d POTTER's HOUSE for a reconnection back to the original plan.
Like u rightly said sir,let's identify d mistake,admit it's from you & not AMUWA OLORUN and see d potter re-doing it again.
I have a colleague to link up sir.
God bless u sir.
Bro Segun,
Thanks for dropping a line.
I will stick with this
"Like u rightly said sir,let's identify d mistake,admit it's from you & not AMUWA OLORUN and see d potter re-doing it again."
Our God is a God second chance as far as we know how to find our way to the Potter to remould and fix - and on time!
Sure blessed by this. I'm amazed at the large number of people who don't get it right in this all important institution ordained by God. I really pray for more of God's grace for everyone concerning this issue. Keep blessing lives sir. God bless u!
Tunji
Thank you so much sir and amen to your prayers
EVB
Evangelist bee,
I must say that I have greatly enjoyed reading your article and at the risk of sounding like I'm flattering I must say that I honestly cannot fault any part of the series.
I believe God has used you to address some cogent issues and can only pray that he who has ears to hear will hear among our singles.
I know many singles of my age that the issues you've raised relate to. My very good friend let us call her D. now living in Atlanta is the first story. For 3 years one 'brother' was being friendly with her. He would even come for Sunday lunch. He was as close as a fiancé could be without proposing.
After 3 years my friend's good friend, a brother who is now a pastor called her and said by the way do you know so and so (the brother who had been coming for Sunday lunch) is getting married in 2 or 3 weeks time. My friend was shattered and heart broken but she learnt from that bitter experience. By the way every one I'm talking about were Christians.
Some time after another brother was showing interest in my friend D. After he hovered around Dupe for about 3 weeks she called him aside to ask about his real mission. The brother now said he wanted to marry her. They courted and married over 10 years ago. Our second son was the ringbearer. Their marriage is blessed with children.
A happy ending thank God but please bear in mind that my friend married at 34 years old. She could have married earlier but for the time wasting brother she was initially hooked up with.
Wao! Sis Y.
You made my day. I am grateful for your sharing this comment - very relevant and apt and truly I can see how the discourse affects D. She was bodyguarded for three years by someone who had no plan and she
refused to define the relationship. Its her right! Thank God she woke up later and applied the principles. That's the issue here! That's the whole essence of my heart cry. Protect your self! At least when the next window opened, she had wisened up!
Thank you ma.
EVB
Another friend of mine let's call her T. was not so fortunate. She allowed a time wasting brother (these ones are all Christians as well) in her life for 5 years. Every time we spoke on the phone she was always talking about J. (not real name). She went on and on for years on the phone and in person about J. Unfortunately we were living in different cities and no GSM/Facebook/BBM so we couldn't have a closer contact for me to advise her more.
Anyway years after hearing about J. I came out direct and asked my friend on the phone when we were talking. I said 'T, has J. ever proposed to you in all these years because if he hasn't please drop him.'
Bro Banji do you know my friend's answer to me on the phone? She said please don't advise me out of context. That answer stung me as I was giving her a well meaning advice. Thereafter I kept quiet. Anyway long story short. That was in the nineties. Today 2013 my friend is yet to be married and she is older than me and I am mid forties. Years after shutting me up on the phone she said to me Y. I should have listened to you when you were advising me about J. He wasted my time and made other well meaning brothers to steer clear of me thinking I was engaged to him.
Sis Y.
I am short of words but I have seen this often! This is a major cause of late marriage - non definition of relationships that are going now where!
I also remember you did your 40th birthday 5-6 years ago and you said she is older than you!
God's mercy will prevail!
See - " don't advice me out of context" what context? if its right - its right, if its not right, its bad!
Please lets keep raising this alarm!
EVB
Lastly, I heard of another lady who was a doctor and a fellow doctor proposed to her when she was 32. She came from a rich family whilst the doctor guy was from the village. My very good friend (incidentally a doctor herself) advised her to say yes to the doctor (if there is no other fundamental issue). They are all Christians as well. This doctor lady told my doctor friend 'I am not desperate.' Sorry but how can you not be desperate at 32? Long story short. As at 2 years ago when I enquired about her she was still unmarried and in her early forties.
God bless you my brother and He will give you more unction. I just wanted to add my voice to the issues you raised. They are practical issues. People should stop searching for the wicked stepmother and rather look inwards and stop making wrong decisions that cause unnecessary delays.
Its my turn to pray for you for taking out time to write. God will honour you and you will never loose flavour! never in Jesus Name.
See this - "People should stop searching for the wicked stepmother and rather look inwards and stop making wrong decisions that cause unnecessary delays."
God bless you!
I want to say that God really bless you sir, for this eye opener, because I can safely say that most of us single ladies have misplaced priorities when it comes to the issue of marriage. I have a big sis that she is in her 40's and still not married. There was a brother a medical doctor then that was seriously interested in her, but she gave a lot of excuses like he wasn't okay financially and still struggling, he was not on her level, the peugeot 04' car he was using was rickety and all. The brother stopped coming and the next thing we heard, he was getting married and she went for the wedding because she wanted to see how the wedding went and my God, she came back flabbergasted, she said the wedding was every ladies dream and she didn't realise that the guy was now okay, most of their friends in their circle blamed her. The brother and his new relocated to USA a month after the wedding where a good job offer. But sister has been here in nigeria with no husband, because she continued with that foolish attitude.
I definitely concur with the last sister's comment there is no wicked stepmother anywhere, its time we wake up and make God leading decisions that will mould our future.
Once again Sir, thanks for this article, may God continue to bless you and enrich you deeply in all aspect of your life
Thanks so much for your thoughts and the true life story you shared and I can see you had to share it anonymously because its close to home. For your Sister - mercy will prevail in Jesus and God will reverse the seemingly lost years.
Please I will await the testimonies.
My heart cry is just that the few who will see this messages and read all the "alerts" and "alarm button will" learn and indeed focus on the REAL ISSUES.
And Amen for to your prayers.
EVB
Evangelist B! Well said Sir, brilliant write up, this indeed has touched my heart and I'm sure a lot of other singles out there are touched. It has woken me up and charged me to do what is right at d right time. I believe my waiting time is over, I'm gonna pick up soon! God bless u sir!
Phummie,
" It has woken me up and charged me to do what is right at d right time"
Please stay "awake" o and shine your eyes!
God bless.
EVB
Good day sir. I just read an article of yours. I'm in my twenties. A man in his fifties wants to marry me,but I'm confused - he is a divorcee with a child and the age gap is too much. Please advice.
Hi anony,
Why are you confused? The only person to answer is you. most of what you need as guide to answer is in the article and i dont have enough info to answer well but answer these questions below and somewhere in between - you will be able to figure it out
1. Why was he even attracted to you as a choice in the first place? its not common - ask why?
2. You did not say if you are a believer or not? are you born again? so do you believe in praying about choosing a spouse, if you do - have you prayed?
3. Are you ready for marriage? do you know ( before he came into the picture) what you really want or need in a spouse? does he agree with it? you see its not a rocket science
4.Do you have a mentor or mentors - people who care for you and your destiny - what did they say? in the multitude of counsel, the bible says there is safety!
In the midst of answering these questions, you will be able to work through the confusion - scripture says our God is not an author of confusion.
All the best
EVB
Sir,
Reading through your article yesterday in the Sunday Punch made something leap in me. It was very interesting and well articulated. Thank you for that.
One of the points that caught me so well was No 4 – wrong habitat. Just last week Sunday my pastor called me for a chat and asked If I don’t want to get marry (A lot of people have recently been asking me when am getting married). My pastor made it clear that I have refused to position myself to be located; on that, he is correct and I failed to realize this earlier despite having heard the sermon over and over in the past years. My daily routine is from house to the office and from office back to the house week in week out except once in a while occasional brief outing. Weekends are usually occupied with house chores. In past years, it use to be the same with more of church activities, but for over a year now, the church activities have reduced (this is based on family concerns).
I never thought that getting married would be of concern to me; I just thought that it would just happen. But just like you said, “life happens and the years counts quickly”. I would be 30 in November. I don’t want to be worried, but sometimes, it just trickles in.
There is a saying that whenever one wakes up is his/her morning. I have done things wrongly, I have made mistakes, there were guys hanging around, undefined relationships, I also use to be shy discussing the marriage issue. But now I realized that my time was just being wasted over the years and still counting. I have decided to start all over, I want to do things right. How do I take a new leaf concerning this matter? I would really appreciate any suggestion and advice from you. Please I need help.
Thank you so much for this window of opportunity to finally talk to someone. Do have a pleasant day.
Touchy,
Once a challenge is known, its half solved. From scripture, we understand you need two things basically to resolve issues - The anointing and the right wisdom key. To start right :
1. Make sure you are really ready - prepare for for where you want to be than where you are. Correct anything about you as a person that might make you " reject" or not be sensitive to a proper godly proposal.
2. Resolve that past mistake will not happen again. You cannot even afford to "joke " with relationship definition now - very sacrosanct. You are no longer in secondary school looking for a boyfriend - you want a husband.
3.Be online. Be available. Relax. Make friends. Serve God. Find time to be involved in other people's life. Read Genesis 24. Rebeccah was found while doing her house duties as a young girl by the well. Be faithful
4. Have said it before. Find time to pray. It takes it beyond you and sieves people who have no business around you.
5. Lastly - He may be near ( they are not usually that far) and in a different package - open your eyes - external and internal
Waiting for your testimony.
Bless you Touchy - God will make you smile! soon - In Jesus name.
EVB
Wow, eye opening indeed!!!
Remi
Thank God. May He continue to reveal the truth for life and living to us.
Bless you
EVB
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